So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
