and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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