she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
