this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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