just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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