I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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