farters have to be the big spoon...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
