I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
