he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
