a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
