I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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