literally had 100 drinks last night.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
