barbara walters just said penis...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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