thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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