Soap is not a condiment
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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