My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
