i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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