If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
