I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
