What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
