When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
