Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
