listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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