I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
