The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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