I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
