I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
