I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
