I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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