I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
