I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
