i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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