were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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