I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
