put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
