Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
