I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
