He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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