He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
