We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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