after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
