i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
