Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
