I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
