Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
