In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
