Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
