Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
