Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
