He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
