swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize