If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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