Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
