I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
