how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
