cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
