those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
