this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
