you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
