so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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