$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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