dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
